PG&E Criterium (3rd)

PG&E Criterium
Pleasanton, CA
Weather: Pleasantonish
Teammates: Maura Kinsella, Rob Macneill, Billy Crane, Dylan Clark, Tim Granshaw
Placing: 3rd of ~80

I was beaten by Yahoo? cycling (and the ridiculous amount of talent they’re wasting by sending a full team to Pleasanton while NRC stage races were being held elsewhere). I’m protesting their existence by writing a two-sentence race report.

Letter Grades:

Tactics: F (Being in a three-man breakaway with two Yahoo?s is a bad tactical situation, no matter the circumstances.)
Style: A (I spent more time yelling/gesticulating at people than riding. I stopped short of throwing bottles, Cipo-style, which would have earned me an A+.)
Teamwork: A (Maura crushed three —  and very nearly four — Yahoo? riders in the final sprint. )
Finish: F (I can’t TT well enough to catch the solo attack, and I can’t sprint well enough to get second. In the vernacular of my generation, FML.)

Overall: G (G stands for Google.)

P.S. Billy was on the attack from the gun, and nearly netted himself a top five from a late-race secondary breakaway.

P.P.S. Dylan, the newest member of our team, was a stud during the race. When asked, “Are you psyched for the race?” he stoically replied, “Nah. I’m not psyched, I’m stoked.” He’s got a discerning taste for the various forms of enthusiasm.

P.P.P.S. Laughing hysterically is an integral part of proper breakaway technique. I hope you’re taking notes.

P.P.P.P.S. The world-famous PG&E Helmet Guy showed up, and was in remarkably good spirits the entire day.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Completely off-the-hook mashup music (I.E. Girltalk) is the best pre-race warmup you can get. Sell your rollers, dorks.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Are you seriously still reading this?

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. In case you’re wondering what really happened in this race, I suppose I ought to tell you. After a lot of early-race attacks, I found myself in a group of about nine riders, six of which were Yahoo?s. After a flurry of attacks — and upon the arrival of a second group of riders — the break was thrown into disarray. From the ashes rose a group of three: Phil Mooney (Yahoo?), Ryan Parnes (Yahoo?) and me. With six laps remaining, and with a “prodigious” gap over the peloton (yes, that’s the word the announcer used), Mooney attacked and I was forced to chase for the remainder of the race. I chased my balls off, to no avail. I guttered Parnes as much as possible, to no avail. I sprinted my heart out at the finish, to no avail. Third of three. Like I said before, FML.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Thanks to my teammates for helping set up another winning break. Too bad I’m not a winner.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I miss the days when CalGiant was the dominant team.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. All of my cynicism is in jest. I love Mooney and Parnes. We’re like brothers…but I guess that makes me the runt of the litter.

Thanks for reading,

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