If I Had a Fizik Ad, I’d Be a Slizzard

It’s a Friday evening. I think it’s time to tend to my neglected blog instead of going all Rebecca Black on y’all. I could use a calm evening to recover for this weekend’s racing, anyway.

As I mentioned last time, Mike’s Bikes unwisely chose to include my semi-effeminate alter ego in the advertisement for the Cat’s Hill Criterium.

Ridiculous as that may have seemed at the time, it pales in comparison to Fizik’s newest advertising campaign featuring Paul Mach (Bissell PRO Cycling), which was launched during the Amgen Tour of California.

Apparently, according to the small print below Mach’s Olan Mills-esque countenance, “Paul Mach is a snake.” Biblical associations aside — actually, all non-literal associations aside — I suppose that’s a cool animal, though I have no idea what it has to do with cycling or saddles. Also…why the hell is he topless?

Incredibly, this advertisement was topped by Bissell Vacuum Cleaner’s similar advertising campaign, which ran simultaneously on the Amgen Tour of California website, titled “Paul Mach is a sock.”

I think he looks better in that one.

With all this advertising clout, it’s no wonder Mach was awarded the prestigious “Most Awesome” anarchy symbol by top-notch journalism outlet, NorCalCyclingNews.com.

What’s with the Paul Mach talk, you ask? Well, first of all, he never redeemed his prize for winning my contest, which means I never got to ride bikes with my pro cycling idol. Additionally, with the Nevada City Classic approaching rapidly, I wanted to commemorate Paul’s flattering accusations that I “chased down his breakaway attempts” in last year’s Tour de Nez/Nevada City combo.

As I’m planning on mounting a similar onslaught of Mach-stalking this year, I need to start priming my climbing legs.

I began the arduous process last weekend by chasing renowned climber Max Jenkins (United Health Care PRO) around in the Golden State race series. Never mind that it was a flat criterium; I still raced side by side with a climber, so I’m going to log it as “climbing” in my diary.

This weekend, I’m embarking on Stage Two of my transformation: the Mount Hamilton Road Race. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I’m actually going to race Mt. Hamilton, one of the most altitudinally robust courses our district has to offer.

For those of you new to my particular bike racing methodology, I enter road races about as frequently as Lance Armstrong fails a drug test (and when it does occur, I try to pretend like it never happened).

Thus, in light of my fear of being dropped instantaneously, I encourage as many of my fellow Category 1 crit monkeys to come race with me in the P/1 eventĀ  — we can scream, “Grupetto” within three miles of the start and enjoy a leisurely training ride together. Any takers?

But enough of that mindless banter. Let’s move on to something more topical: doping in cycling.

While Tyler Hamilton and George Hincapie were busy talking to federal investigators and CBS about Lance’s purported EPO/testosterone/pixie dust use during his career, I was receiving some damning allegations regarding the local cycling scene, forwarded by an anonymous source.

My source sent me this photograph which clearly depicts riders from the local Cal Giant Cycling Team using a mysterious form of performance enhancement known as GSC. Some movie-hacker digital enhancement allowed me to get a closer look at the substance in question.

I’m sure authorities will find this photograph indispensable as they build their case because it illustrates three distinct methods of use.

Evan Huffman (the mopey, cookie-less guy in the background), who has never had a single GSC in his life and subsists entirely on carrot sticks, is the only rider likely to escape the impending investigation unscathed.

[Cue CalGiant lawyers threatening to shut down this blog]

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to start huffing helium in preparation for my upcoming transformation into a climber. That, and I have to commence training five times as hard as Chris Horner…

Now I’m definitely winning.

P.S. For those of you who aren’t cool enough to get my title, refer to urban dictionary.

2 responses to “If I Had a Fizik Ad, I’d Be a Slizzard

  1. Howdy Rand, Davin the Mike’s Bikes Marketing Guy here. Just wanted to say ‘you’re welcome’ for the feature of your pink-clad alter-ego on our home page. While I originally thought I was just putting up nice a crit photo featuring our boy Dibble, you’ve called my attention to the fact that the team I race with may have influenced my subconscious a bit in the search for the right shot on this one. Thanks for that. BTW, good to heckle, er, see you out at ‘cross last season. You really shoulda taken that bacon hand-up, though. Ah well, there’s always next year.

    • Davin,

      1. I don’t think there exists such a thing as a “nice” photo of Dibble.
      2. I do appreciate that you accidentally included me in said photograph.
      3. Heckle me more next time CX season rolls around.
      4. I hope you weren’t offended by my posts. It’s all in jest.

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