Start Line Banter Gone Wrong

A few weeks ago, I was tagged in a few Facebook photographs from the start line of the the Vacaville Grand Prix.

The photographer, Sheri Greenspan, poses an interesting question that some of you might be echoing: what do the P/1/2 men talk about on the start line of criteriums?

Now, I’m rather surprised that my incessant mouth-running isn’t audible as far away as the adjoining counties, but I guess the overwhelming noise of people heckling me for “being a pansy-ass” must have drowned out my voice.

Well, here you go. At the moment that photograph was taken, someone had just yelled a denigrating comment about the length of my hair from way back in the nether regions of the pack (only the cool kids like Briggs and me get the front-line spots; uncool dorks like Reaney often resort to forcing their way into the front line).

Upon hearing the mullet-heckling, Briggs looked over at me and said, “Rand, you’re probably too young to have seen the days when I had long hair.”

I looked back incredulously. “Wait…you had long hair?”

Briggs smiled — twitching his iconic “soul patch” facial hair — and replied, “Yeah. It wasn’t ridiculous like yours, but it was pretty damn long.”

That’s about when Reaney chimed in with some inane comment about long hair being girly. I think I retorted by calling him obese, and I swear I saw the ever-stoic ex-Olympian Dirk Copeland (Yahoo?) crack a smile.

There you have it — that’s what we talk about on the start line, Sheri. I think Tibco Professional female phenom Megan Guarnier summarized it best when she said, “Whenever two or more male cyclists are in the same room, all you guys do is talk mad shit about each other. What is wrong with you guys?”

Now, I was reminiscing about that start line conversation this morning and it occurred to me that I’d really love to see a photograph of a long-haired Pat Briggs; naturally, I headed to Google Image Search and typed “pat briggs” into the search bar.

Wow. While those images are a disturbing window into Briggs’ personal, non-cycling life, I was far more interested in finding a photograph of long-haired Pat on the bike (rather than in goth rock apparel). My next search term was a bit more focused: “pat briggs cycling.”

Now that’s funny. Searching for “pat briggs cycling” results in a questionably Category 1-quality victory salute shot, a couple photos of Pat during his heyday on a real bike racing team, and numerous pictures of Phil Mooney, Filip Vanacht, some random dudes, and me. Hahahahahah!

Flattered as I was that I’m as relevant to Pat Briggs as Pat Briggs is, I was quickly growing tired of my google searching. My final attempt to find a relevant photograph was the search term “pat briggs long hair.”

What the…? Oh dear. I don’t even need to comment on that one.

This post would have likely ended there had I not heard through the grapevine that Briggs was recently blog-bashing Counterattacking Reality; in particular, it seems as if he was mocking my extremely popular trading card.

My response? A Pat Briggs commemorative trading card.

Yep. That’s Comic Sans font.

Please, please print that card out on glossy card stock and solicit autographs from Pat the next time you see him. I bet he’ll love it!

2 responses to “Start Line Banter Gone Wrong

  1. Well, this is a far cry from JLD. I might have to claw my eyes out & I’m pretty sure Briggs smells nothing like her either. This blog has officially jumped the shark.
    See you in Oakland…

  2. I must say that I agree with Sluggo. The Fonz has jumped the shark. (What a wonderful reference!)
    And to think I…
    I am thinking the lack of hills to climb here on the East Coast has adversely effected my bodys oxygenation abilities and I must have been high.

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