Sleazeville RR (I’d Probably Do Better There)

I purposefully neglected to write about my victory (and Webcor 1 -2 -3 finish) at last weekend’s Santa Rosa Criterium because I wanted something self-gratifying to say in case Leesville went badly this afternoon. That criterion has been met, and you can read all about it after you read about my win.

Last Saturday, my teammates Justin, Joel, Rob and I took turns “attacking the balls off” the crosswind-buffeted field. Todd Weitzenberg (NorCal Bike Sport), Taylor Bertrand-Barrett (Echelon or something) and Marc Prutton (Thirsty Bear) valiantly fought the onslaught, but in the end I managed to escape alone in the closing laps while Joel soloed for second and Justin took third with a rather saucy sprint. All in all, it was a fun race for us breakaway sluts.

Subsequently, I found this on the internet, courtesy of Matt Wilson’s Facebook page.

I’m not sure what it means “to solo on” someone — it sounds dirty — but I guess I did so on Saturday. I’m adding that one to my repertoire.

Because I only win races that no one cares to attend, I have yet to find a photograph of my victory salute; that’s probably for the best, because I’m pretty sure I inadvertently put up the double peace sign “Richard Nixon Salute” at the line. Though dubiously stylish, I’ve taken the liberty of fabricating the scene for my throngs of adoring fans (read: my mom and Chris Stasny).

Today, I attempted to replicate my 2007 Leesville Gap RR victory by attacking early in order to make it over the climb before the skeleton people. Sadly, drawing the Mona Lisa in MS Paint would be a more faithful replica.

After 45 minutes off the front of today’s race, and with a sizable gap at one point, Vince Owens (Yahoo?) and I hit the base of the climb with less than a 30 second advantage on the hard-charging field. Rumor has it that Nate English (Echelon/Z-Team) did most of the work to bring us back, and I bet it’s because he was still pissed off that I referred to him (and climbers like him) as “a totally different species from me” on the start line. That might have been a tad insensitive, but I meant it as a compliment; in other news, I’m socially awkward and incessantly inappropriate. Imagine that.

Not even the pink sunglasses could help me latch onto the climber-bitches as they went by, breathing as if they were inhaling through the visible gaps between their ribs, not through their mouths.

In retrospect, I should have trusted my climbing ability a bit more and stayed protected in the pack until the base of the climb rather than wasting all of my energy off the front — in rather a rather stiff headwind, I might add — with the only guy in the district who provides less of a draft than me.

Tactics: F
Fitness: C+
Overall: Le Sigh

Phil Mooney (Yahoo?) won the race and tweeted all about it.

It’s roughly his ninth win this season, and writing about him is becoming tiresome. For that matter, so is his constantly upbeat demeanor. I have a challenge for the photographers in the district: send me a photograph of Phil Mooney frowning (or better yet, crying) and I’ll buy you a beer.

Now, I was about to type the words, “man, I sure wish I could climb,” but then I remembered hearing that Max Jenkins’ (United Health Care) peak power output on the day was 977 watts, and that includes his vicious sprint for third place. Nevermind, I don’t want to climb that badly.

Speaking of Max, he was kind enough to give me a present this morning: a signed, overcompensatorily large trading card. I was flabbergasted by his generosity and awed by his fame, as you can see by my facial expression below.

However, I overheard Jenkins telling Mooney that he was happy to have “a breakaway full of nobodies” up the road at the beginning of today’s race. That’s right, he called me a nobody. My flabbergastedness and awe turned to vitriol, and in a fit of rage I tore Max’s mint-condition Rookie Card in two.

Take that! I don’t care how much that card was going to be worth someday. [Note: I really tried to hold a sad/angry face for that photo, but I couldn’t help but smirk at what I had just done.]

Come to think of it, I don’t understand why Max would consider me a “nobody.” I’ve got my own trading card, just like all the other professionals.

I would like to point out that my card is replete with an edgy font and a majestic, soaring eagle for awesomeness’ sake. You know you want to print that out and have me sign it at a race.

Before I go, I have a suggestion to make to the district as a whole:

Can we more frequently schedule the W/1/2/3 race directly after the P/1/2 race, as it was arranged at the Burlingame Criterium?

There is nothing I enjoy more than heckling womens’ races with a little bit of beer in my system (heckling is better when inhibitions are diminished), and I’d love to be able to do it a couple of times each season. If promoters don’t acquiesce, I’ll be forced to heckle — and therefore, drink beer — before my races…

7 responses to “Sleazeville RR (I’d Probably Do Better There)

  1. trading cards make great spoke cards. tape maxie’s card back together and use it as a spoke card in your next race. it would virtually guarantee victory (for some nobody or other).

  2. Fashion Police

    The jeans under the bibshorts is a particularly good look…

    • Hey Fashion Police, that’s actually a long-sleeve skinsuit over jeans and a sweater (note popped collar as well). Good catch, though.

  3. Plenty more where that one came from…. Would you like 50 more to make into confetti?

    And you are a somebody, just not somebody I ever have to worry about uphill.

  4. You better get your name (and face?) tattooed -old English letters of course – before you run any spoke cards in the Mission if you want a semblance of cred.

  5. If w1/2 race is after the race, then its more likely that masters is back to back with p1/2. NO!!!

    Personally I like to relax between races, watching w1/2s.

    Have already posted your trading card in my office Rand, nice.

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