Not a Laughing Matter

I saw this article on the San Francisco Chronicle’s website late Wednesday evening; presumably it is an April Fools article, though it’s getting harder and harder to tell nowadays.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure everyone has at least one of the classic phobias: spiders, the dark, heights…the list goes on and on. My classic phobia is a fear of clowns. I hate them, not so much because I find them frightening, but because they’re completely inexplicable. I can think of no reason why clowns exist or what it is they actually do (besides peddle burgers to obese children), but for some reason I feel incredibly uncomfortable around them.

OK. Hold that thought for a moment while I digress.

I was looking for some files from my undergraduate career the other day, and so, for the first time in nearly three years, I opened the “My Stuff” folder that I transferred to my current hard drive from my dying college computer.

Long-forgotten file folders like these are much like Wikipedia for me: I can spend hours looking at unrelated material in a random-walk fashion. Once I had located the file of interest (which could have been found instantly by using Spotlight, but where’s the fun in that?), I set about clicking aimlessly through my old files–reading essays from college, flipping through photos, and watching videos. The highlight of the journey was the moment I found a folder labeled “phone photos,” where I had archived the data from my previous three cell phones. Jackpot.

I present to you Ryan Parnes, ca. 2006, wearing what can best be described as a clown suit (read: Metromint kit), sporting an unequivocally clown-like hairdo, and doing a little clown dance. Might I remind you, what you’re about to see is disturbing.

Here’s the transcript:

[Creepy dance] “Hey little boy, would you like a balloon?” [Creepy smile]

Ha ha ha. Nothing funnier than a vaguely pedophilic clown, right? WRONG. Not funny. That video sums up my fear of clowns pretty concisely, but even better is the following photograph, which was sent to me by Mr. Parnes no more than two weeks ago.

That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

The moral of this story: if you’re gonna go around being a vaguely pedophilic clown, don’t allow yourself to be captured digitally. This kind of evidence can be used against you in a court of law…or on the internet.

4 responses to “Not a Laughing Matter

  1. You realize that this means war.

  2. davidjamesmayer

    that is one sweet ‘stache. What’s his look called, “the Amber Alert?”

  3. davidjamesmayer

    “Chucky Cheese, table for one please. “

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