Nice Try, Oakley

I’m a sunglasses whore.

I can’t help myself. It’s like girls and shoes: the more pairs of sunglasses I own, the happier I am and the better I can express my mood with my accessories.

My eyewear addiction has been tempered a bit by my lack of money, but every once in a while, I find myself perusing Oakley’s website in search of my new best friend. That’s exactly what I was doing this evening when I came across the following absurdity.

There are so many things wrong with this screenshot, I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, that bike is an abomination and I hope it dies a slow, painful death in a wrought-iron scrap heap. However, that’s not the problem. The problem is that some Oakley marketing director is so far removed from reality that he chose to pair that hipster monstrosity with the least-hip sunglasses ever made. It’s like pairing a Cabernet with flounder, or Lance Armstrong with Alberto Contador.

People who purchase Oakley Jawbones are dweebs: egotistic cyclists and obsessive-compulsive triathletes. Earth to Oakley: there’s nothing ironic, vintage, or hip about a pair of $260 athletic eyewear. Any self-respecting, parents-mooching, flannel-sporting hipster would rather mount a front brake on his fixie than purchase a CUSTOM PAIR OF OAKLEY JAWBONES. Instead, hipsters seek out the kind of shit that belongs on grandmothers.

And don’t think that you can foist a pair of Oakley “Ray-Ban knockoffs” on the hipster crowd. Wait until your company is no longer “cool,” because only then will your sunglasses become “hip.”

Having said all of that, I sincerely hope the aforementioned “Inspire” marketing campaign succeeds. If I ever see a hipster rolling through the Mission District, riding a color coordinated fixie with blue anodized bars, wearing matching, custom Oakley Jawbones…I’ve got a plan.

I’ll distract him by waving a dirty, vintage flannel shirt in the air and throwing an ice-cold can of PBR across the street. When this hypothetical hipster crashes–unable to tear his eyes from these two icons of hipsterness–I’ll run out into the street and steal his sunglasses. (F*&k stealing the bike…fixed gears are for people who are afraid to actually ride fast.)

Thanks in advance, Oakley!

3 responses to “Nice Try, Oakley

  1. The last paragraph is pure gold. Thanks for giving me something worth reading at 4am.

    • Thanks Jeff. Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll try to keep the late-night posts coming just for you, because you’re not gonna get any sleep for a while. Congrats on the kid!

  2. Pingback: Fashionable Eyewear: Not Just for Cyclists « Counterattacking Reality

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